The Summers: Moving On...After this Post

This will hopefully be my last post about the miscarriage, I promise. Even though this is a very difficult matter for me to discuss, it does help me to talk about it. Plus, I know people are concerned about us and are checking up on us through the blog, so please bare with me!

I've had a number of good friends to go through miscarriages, especially here lately, but I've never really asked any of them what it was like. My nursing knowledge on miscarriages is very limited because...well, it's just not something a pediatric patient goes through. So for all of you curious about it all, I'll give you a little overview about my story with it. I'm not going to get graphic, though...I promise (meaning you can keep reading Dad!)

To start, when I say I was shocked by this, I really had NO CLUE something was wrong. It was always in the back of my mind, but I just thought it was kind of normal to worry...you know? I was reassured, though, by my very strong pregnancy symptoms and the fact that I had such an early positive pregnancy test (on cycle day 18...which is super early!). I was SO TIRED and so nauseous; looking back though, the nausea had ceased within a day or 2 of me seeing the doctor, but I was way too busy at the time to notice. Either way, I had no signs of miscarriage beforehand.

When Tyson and I were sitting in Dr. McKee's office discussing "the plan" I had several thoughts running through my head. First, I was supposed to work all weekend and I didn't want to miscarry at work. In fact, I didn't want to have to go through the process of miscarrying AT ALL. From what my friends have told me, it is very painful emotionally and physically to just let "nature take its course" and miscarry naturally. Dr. McKee was really pushing for me to have a d & c Friday, the next day; he said that even if I did miscarry naturally, there would be a good chance that I would have to have a d & c anyways. Ok I thought...let's do it. Crazy me asked "can we do it next week after I'm done with work?" What was I thinking? Tyson has Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon, and Tues off....why would I wait? And why would I want to chance miscarrying on my own if I knew I didn't want that to happen. Friday it was.

I couldn't eat or drink past midnight, which is NEVER easy for me, but I made it. We got to the hospital around 11, completed paperwork, and started the prep stuff. It took them 2 times to get my IV, but they rewarded me with some Valium. I of course was a teary mess the whole time, so they kept the drugs a comin'. No complaints here. Tyson and I hung out in the room and watched "Bedknobs and Broomsticks" until it was time to go. My last memory of all that was receiving IV Fentanyl, Versed, and Zofran and then I went to my "happy place." Tyson said he told me that he loved me and that he would be here when I got back, and my only response was "OK." I was OUT OF IT! I woke up in recovery and I felt like I was in a soap opera...you know where everyone is staring at the person and then their eyes miraculously open? Yeah, that was me...I had all these people staring at me when I finally came to. It was really weird. Immediately the nurse asked me if I was hurting and I said no, and then she said, "well, I'm gonna give you some morphine anyway." "Ok....?" I didn't stay in recovery too long and was sent back to my room where Tyson was waiting on me. Tyson said the procedure only took like 15 minutes and Dr. McKee had already given him an update that everything went fine. Dr. McKee also said all the nurses were saying how sweet I was :)....Tyson said, "wait until they see her when she's awake! :) We ended up getting discharged soon after...I did get some more drugs for the road though! I guess the nurses were just trying to make sure I was as comfortable and as pain-free as possible; they were all so kind and sympathetic about what was going on.

Our nurse was supposed to discharge us straight out to the car, but our good friends Corey and Tia Barlow had just had baby Kai, so we talked her into letting us borrow the wheelchair so we could go see our friends. Yes, after having a d & c, I was wheeled over to labor and delivery to see a newborn. Crazy, I know, but I had to see her! I was too drugged to hold her, but she looked perfect! Congratulations, Tia and Corey! She is going to be adorable in a UAB cheerleading uniform next year! Anyways, I am so glad we went to see them; I knew I would be ok with others' babies, but now I know for sure that I am!

After that, we went home and I have just rested the whole time. I can't lift Jake for a couple of days, so mom and Tyson are taking care of him. I'm still pretty sore, but it isn't that bad. Oh, I had an awful allergic reaction to my antibiotic last night...my eyes and lips swelled, broke out in hives all over, my chest got tight, and my hands and feet itched like crazy! It has been the worst part of all of this!! I'm better now, though, after 50 mg of Benadryl and 20 mg of Zyrtec!

Emotionally, I'm doing better than I could have expected. During this whole process, my faith in God has never waivered and I never questioned Him once. I know this is nobody's "fault", especially not mine (which I think is natural for most women to blame themselves), but this is all part of God's plan for us. Looking back on this, I know one day I will say "I wouldn't have had [this baby] if I wouldn't have had the miscarriage, and I can't imagine my life without him/her." That's what everyone always says, and I know there is truth to it.

Sorry for rambling...I'm writing this as I'm on Lortab, so sorry if I don't make any sense. Like I said, this is my last post on the miscarriage because today is day 1 after losing the baby and we are moving on. I will never forget the baby that I carried for 5 weeks and I will never forget the heartache that we've endured the last couple of days. I have to be strong for my husband and child, though, and the best way I know how is to start with a fresh, clean slate. Again, thank you all for everything. I just wanted to leave you with some pictures of things that have really brightened my day these last two days.

This is a picture of Jake's "handprints" that he made for us at school Thursday, but he wouldn't cooperate that well. It is still so sweet and has made my day!

This is Jake's footprint that he made for us at school on Tuesday.