Here it is...

The calm before the storm...

Last Friday's d&c followup turned out to be a nightmare. I expected my doctor to be like "sorry for your loss...everything looks good...you can start trying again in 3 months." Not so much. He started using all of this big medical jargon that even I as a nurse had a hard time following, but I could pick up on enough to semi-understand what he was talking about. He knows I'm a nurse, but I think he thought if he used big medical words that I wouldn't understand what he was saying, therefore, I couldn't google my diagnosis. Like I said, though, I caught on. I told him I thought I knew what he was talking about, and this was his response, "Oh great (sarcastically). I guess you know it can give you cancer." WHAT??? He then made the mistake of showing me the pathology report, in which he circled the words he only wanted me to see, but I knew exactly where to look on the report. I definitely saw WAY more than I needed to know, but then again, I didn't see enough. I left there HIGHLY confused, frustrated, mad, and every other emotion you could imagine.

Let me back up for those of you who might be confused. I did not have a "normal miscarriage." I've been diagnosed with a rare pregnancy complication, which I am choosing not to give the specific name of on here because 1) it makes me cringe everytime I even think about it, 2) I don't want people googling my diagnosis, and 3) I still need a little bit of privacy on this even though I'm blasting all of this on here. This rare pregnancy complication obviously causes miscarriage, but it can also lead to cancer, like my doctor said. There are 2 different types of this complication, and all weekend long, I had no idea which type I had (kind of missed that important detail on the pathology report). 1 type has a higher chance of malignancy (20%) then the other (5%), and of course, I was convinced I had the more risky type based on my ultrasound.

I know what you're probably thinking...how do you get cancer from pregnancy? It's crazy! Luckily, this type of cancer is highly curable (almost 100%), rarely metastasizes, is treated with one of the "more gentle" types of chemo, and shouldn't stop a woman from being able to go on and have more children. I guess if you have to have cancer, this would be the best one to have, right? Obviously, I'm trying to be positive about this all; I just can't undertand, though, why God would EVER do this to someone....bless you with a pregnancy, then take it away, and then guess what....YOU HAVE CANCER! What a mean joke to play on someone even if the outcomes are favorable.

So where does this leave me? I found out today that I have the type that only cause cancer 5% of the time(PRAISE GOD). I say "only causes cancer" very loosely because even though 5% is a lot better than 20%, it's still 5% closer to cancer than I'd ever like to be. Not to mention, I have defied A LOT of odds between having the miscarriage (1 in 4 pregnancies) and between receiving this diagnosis, which occurs in 1 in 1000 pregnancies, so 5% scares me more than it would have 2 weeks ago.

Here's what's gonna happen from here...I will have my hcg (the pregnancy hormone) levels checked once a week for the next few months. Hopefully, they will rapidly drop (because they are abnormally high) and get back to normal in the next few months (meaning my body has done it's job and I'm "cured" of this complication). If they plateau and don't return to normal, I will be treated with chemotherapy. If they rise, I am diagnosed with cancer and will start chemotherapy. Obviously, this is going to be a long process. Even when my levels return to normal (which I pray to God that they do...and soon!), I will still have to get frequent bloodwork and monitored closely for several more months up to a year. And the most disappointing news in all of this is....I can't get pregnant for at least a year after this.

As you can imagine, this has been a huge shocker for us. The fear of cancer now occupies every minute of my day so much so that I can't even grieve my loss. I'm scared but I am hopeful. Please continue to pray for us. I will keep you all updated on my progress. Thanks.

Hcg levels:

2/13/09=338